Oh well...

I've been sitting with the blog open for the past hour I think, so why not just write something?

I've just finished a biology report. Lol, It's a fail<3 I'm gonna die when we get them back. Oh, I just got 4 in english. That just suck, it's the first time ever. Crap dude!!!!
Got a paper due to monday in danish.

BUT. we got vacation next week! It's going to be awesome<3 Don't really know what I'm going to do o.o Except for friday where I'm going to Tivoli with some friends. Really looking forward to that!

Yay, so I'm having a bit of ups atm. luckily really need them. I actually think I've gone this whole day without a bad thought! That's great :D

Well, right now, I'm only writing so you won't get bored. Don't have anything to write about XD
So, bye XD

You can't break a broken heart...

But somehow it just keeps hurting..

The darkness is pulling me back, back into it all and I'm just letting it. I can't fight it anymore. I'm not strong enough. This is going to be the end.
Because you just keep breaking me.

Everything you wrote, should I believe it? Or is it all just a lie? Tell me the truth. I need it

...

Life truly suck.

Why am I THAT stupid?
Why can't I just keep my fucking mouth shot?
Why am I so fucking honest?
Idiot Olivia, you're such a fucking idiot..

Just fucking kill me alright?

Weekend

I didn't write this weekend, cause tbh I didn't know what to write. I don't really know what to write know either, but I just wanted to do a little update on this weekend.
I were at a party friday, at a boy from my class, well he's not in my class anymore, this was his "Goodbye" party. But I mean it was a good party. Well most of the party was good, I went outside around midnight and just started to cry. I didn't have one bad though the whole day and then suddenly it was all falling down on my and I just started to cry, I could feel the mascara on my cheeks. I felt so alone at that moment, it was really horrible. But anyways, yay, good party :)

Saturday I did absolutely nothing, well that actually isn't completely true, I made my english paper, my mom, sister and I went to a chinese restaurant and I watched a movie with Christian. But that was all. Haha, so yeah, it's a lie to say I didn't do anything XD Lmao.

SUNDAY! Yeah. HANDBALL DAY :D We won. 22-17 and I was the top-score with 10 goals. YES I'M PROUD! :D Then I were home alone, till Christian came, we should have made biology, but well, we didn't :-)

I know, I don't do much in my weekends, but hey. I still enjoy it, well the weekends, not my life all the time (:

xoxo

I need to write..

I just need to..

I don't believe you when you say I'm pretty or beautiful. Cause I'm not, just look at me I'm just plain old boring Olivia. I'm nothing special. I'm not worth being called pretty. Save the words to someone who actually is pretty. I know my friends are prettier than me, just open your eyes, then you'll see. I'm only pretty when I edit my pictures, people never get to see the originals, cause there not pretty, I don't want that person to be me, but it is, unfortunately.... I've always told myself that I'm pretty enough, but am I really?..

Oh well, it's been a fine day today, well most of the day, when I were on my way to training, Iwhere in the train. I don't think I've felt that lonely in over a year, it actually felt like I were the only person in the world, like no one cared, yay, I felt like I were no one to everybody, like I could just disappear and no one would even wonder where I were. I hate it, why do I have to feel this way?? Why can't I just be happy, please. I got to know. I need to find the answers, I need to be happy again.

I have a goal, this fall I want to have one day where I don't have any sad thoughts. It's going to be difficult, but I want to, just one day, that's all I'm asking. One day where I don't feel like crap, one day where I don't wanna hit someone or cry. One day, that's all. Im begging you, please. Just one day...

You must be tired of listening to all my depressing thoughts.. So I actually have good news, well kind of good news, I'm going to a party tomorrow with my class. It's going to be... Interesting, not going to drink, I've got an important game on sunday.

Last fall and a question

How? How could you know it? Know things about me I've never told anyone? I've never told anyone about last fall, maybe because I don't want people to know, but I also think that maybe it's because I don't want to remember it, I don't want people to know that I was in a hole so deep, I couldn't get up myself.
But now I wonder, did I ever get out? I feel like the darkness I saw last year is holding on to me, like it wont let go, or maybe it's me? Maybe I'm the one who's holding on to the darkness? Maybe I need it, maybe I need something that I can hide behind? But I don't want it. How can i need something, but at the same time I don't want it. It's here, I can feel it. It's time like these where I wish you would tell me, that I'm not alone in this world and that you will be there for me, even if I hit rock bottom. That's all I need.

A person asked me a question the other day, why did I start writing this blog? I think I started because I needed to tell something/someone everything. All the things I never say. All the things I need to get out of my system, so I can be that happy girl, people see my as. I want to be that happy girl that everyone thinks I am. So I need this. Need this, so I wont break down. But also I wanted to write things, that someone might read, and I wouldn't be alone. Someone would know that my life isn't the best.

xoxo

Rest in Peace

So on the 21. october it will be 13 years since my dad passed away from lung cancer. I'm so sad atm. I don't really know if anyone can see it, but I can feel the tears in my eyes all the time. Every time I have just 2 seconds where I can think, I wanna burst into tears. I hate it. I don't wanna feel the same way I did last fall. I remember the feeling and it scares me to death, I promised myself I wouldn't fall back into the hole, but right now it feels like I'm being dragged.

Why? I ask myself that question all the time. But I never get an answar! Why did it happen to me? My mom? She deserves better. I hate it and I hate him. Why did he have to leave? I love him with all of my heart, but I hate him for leaving us. I know it isn't his fault, but I can't help but feeling like he left us. I'm in tears right now, I wan't him back. I need him properly more than ever.

I hate feeling this helpless, right now all I need is someone to hold me tight and promise that they'll never let me down, never let me fall back into the hole . But where will I find that person? Help me.. I need it