This house no longer feels like home

Oh,you can hear me cry. See my dreams all die. From where you're standing. On your own. It's so quiet here. And I feel so cold. This house no longer. Feels like home.. Oh,when you told me you'd leave. I felt like I couldn't breath. My aching bodyfell to the floor. Then I called you at home. You said that you weren't alone. I should've known better. Now it hurts much more. You caused my heart to bleed and You still owe me a reason. I can't figure out why... Why I'm alone and freezing. While you're in the bed that she's in. I'm just left alone to cry. Oh,you can hear me cry. See my dreams all die. From where you're standing. On your own. It's so quiet here. And I feel so coldThis house no longerFeels lïke home.

It's difficult, isn't it? To figure out what you really want. Cause suddenly you're sitting here, as an eighteen year old who doesn't got one single fucking clue about what she wants with her life. I've promised that the next time I see you I will know what I've figured out about us and tbh I think I know what I want. I just don't know how to tell you. Because how do you tell your ex-boyfriend that you want to go back to the days where you never even knew you had feelings for him? Where you could write about anything but there was never anything else involved, than you liked each others company and personalities. But at the some time, being together then was awkward, I like it know how I can be a little kid around him and he accepts it, because he knows that's how I am. What I am. Somewhere in all of this I want my best friend. Even though I want all of this, all of these things I know I can have, if I just tell you. There will probably be a part of me that wants more, cause loosing your first love never gets easy. You just get used to it, like you get used to living without a father. I want us to be honest, about everything, even though it's gonna hurt I want you to tell me about the girl(s) in your life, cause I would rather know the things from you, than from some rumor. Well, here I was thinking this would be a short thing, but no. Once again my feelings took over. But know I promise myself and everyone else reading this, that the next time he asks for my decision I'll tell him. It's not fair to either of us not knowing.

What can I say?

I have no idea what I'm doing with my life atm. I'm now eighteen years old, but I don't feel like an adult. I feel more like a stupid little girl than ever before. But I'm going to Rome tomorrow and I'm going to have the best trip, make out with hot italien guys, get drunk and enjoy my life. Because I deserve to!

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I don't want to hear about it!

You know that feeling? Not wanting to hear about things? Well my best friend has just been on a skiing trip with a lot of other people from school, including my x. And I'm sure she is going to tell me about it, how amazing it was, all the stupid and fun things they did. I just don't want to hear about it. It's gonna make me jealous and I'm gonna have a hard time faking the happy face saying "sounds great" and laughing over the things they found funny while being down there and all the things they can talk about now, which I will have no clue about. But she's my best friend so I'm gonna but on that mask of being happy because I know she have had the best time while being there. But that is what you do right? Put on the mask, being happy even though you don't really want to.

P.S. I love you

But I'm just one chapter in yours. There'll be more. I promise. So here it comes, the big one. Don't be afraid to fall in love again. Watch out for that signal, when life as you know it ends. P.S. I will always love you.

I watched "P.S. I love you" last night, not to feel sorry for my self or to cry, but to remind myself that even though it hurts, I can fall in love again, I will fall in love again. And I shouldn't be afraid of falling in love again, cause he choose to leave me. He is one chapter in my life.. There will be more.

Depressing thoughts.

I'll come back to the picture. Not having the best of times at the moment. I don't know where to start. My sister died on the second of February, she's been in and out of the hospital the last year, but this time she didn't make it. It's hard getting through this, because I can't just start crying. I feel like I need to be strong, for her. But yes, I do feel like crying and just give up on everything, but I won't do that. I'll get through it with my family.
I'd never had my heart broken, before he broke it. I've been thinking a lot about it lately and I'm in the making of a decision, I won't tell it here, cause I know he might read it. But I have to talk to him.. We'll se how it goes.

Letting go

"To let go isnt to forget, not to think about, or ignore. It doesnt leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isnt about winning or losing. Its not about pride and its not about how you appear, and its not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isnt blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesnt leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. Its not about giving in or giving up. Letting go isnt about loss and its not about defeat. To let go is to cherish the memories, but to overcome and move on. It is having an open mind confidence in the future. Letting go is learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. Its about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up."